Thursday, 10 December 2015

Write Something

Write Something 
At  the moment  I'm struggling to count the amount of times  I've opened up blogger to write something then just shut it down nothing drafted, I didn't know why I was doing that why I was opening it and why  I wasn't doing anything with it open because at the moment  I'm doing pretty  good  and I want to talk about that today.  The truth is  I haven't achieved complete hapiness   I got tat really good job , lost that really good job , I got that GPU  still got that GPU   and the rest is still in motion   and I'm still having a rought time of it financially but  it's a mixture of good and  bad   and good  or bad it'll lead up to a point where something really good happens.   So if you read some of my last posts  you'll realize this is my mantra now  something  I can truely  live by  because it makes sense to me.  

Even the bad stuff has had some good effects for example I had another nightmare  which  was hard to talk about  and think about but  I'm starting to notice patterns. The nightmares are still pretty bad  still wake me up and make me not want to sleep  till  I'm exhausted enough to just drop off.  The weird thing is  I've found a teather  like a constant thing that will always appear in a really bad drea,  I hadn't noticed it before  it was just having two really bad dreams that made me realize that the Cats I own are  a kind of guide to the nightmare.  Now below there's a picture of Mickey   and I've owned Mickey for a while  and we've always had a special kind of bond  he's not the smartest cat and is quite possibly one of the most clumbsy  cats I've ever known  and when he was younger I was always  helping him out. One time  Mickey fell in the toilet  and  I fished him out gave him a bath   dried him off  he was a kitten at the time , a few months later we realized Mickey was going to be a big cat , at that time we also had a new kitchen packed up ready to be installed some how the entire kitchen fell on Mickey  badly breaking his leg.   We had two options 1 Put  him down or 2 pay £400  for an operation that might work  obviously Mickey  is still with us so  we paid the £400. 
So yeah I had developed a strong bond with this cat  and  I think that largely has something to do with me pulling a kitchen off of him  but after he recovered  I notice he started to change quite a bit. He became disinterested  in everyone else  and would follow me around  the house quite a bit but when things were really bad and when I was really down  he would never leave me alone  always wanting to be in my room and spend time with  me. Sometimes it was like he was even sychronizing his mood  with mine  it's on a ongoing weird experience but  I'm happy because of it.

The other night I had a nightmare  and it was mostly brought on through paranoia  and in the nightmare someone wanted to hurt Mickey to hurt me and I didn't let that happen, in the dream  I got stabbed  and I couldn't feel it   because  I was fighting back  , I was protecting Mickey  and  I wasn't stoping until the dude threatening him wasn't able to carry out those threats. Thats what scares me I broke his arms , I broke his legs and Mickey was safe . I was dying  the other guy was dying and  it freaked me out  and I couldn't sleep  after that.  

I've had time to think about those events  though and  it showed me that  I need take control back from my PTSD, now please  don't interpert  that  as  my  PTSD  make me dangerous  because  it really doesn't I'm harmless   really  but  I would defend myself and anyone else I needed to defend  Mickey  especially.  In that dream  I wasn't thinking I was just going through the motions and hoping I would have the better outcome.  In other dreams  similar things  have happened  I've arrived at a logical conclusion without putting any thought  into the actions. My nightmares are very much  a hypothetical hypervigilance simulation  so  yeah  not great   because it pushes my paranoia to the extremes and you try and make sense of the paranoia and you just can't   because there are very  few simple answers where paranoia  is concerned.  I'm sure to an extent all dreams are caused by underlying emotions  things we feel that we either know we feel or don't know , sometimes even feelings we don't understand  and feelings we understand all too much.

It's hard for me to talk about dreams  because I don't like the person I am in dreams  I don't agree with my actions and a lot of the time it's  showing me what no control looks like. Now I still consider myself a student  of  Musashi  I still learn a lot from the book of five rings and this reminds me a lot of Normal Mind which is something I really do want to learn  but  in the dreams it's not so much  Normal Mind as recklessness with  high pain threshold. I realise that in these dreams  I'm always going to be fighting and  I'm having a battle in my mind   so to win these fights to  win them in the best way possible  I have to retrain my brain to fight better.  Lets face it if you get into a fight and you and your opponant are heavily injured on the floor you didn't win you gave as good as you got. I can never move on from the  book of five rings I still have way too much  to learn  but  I haven't stopped learning other things ,  recently  started  reading  Sun Tzu the art of war, orginally to help with professional gaming which  it does , it helps a great deal  if any of you are playing anything considered professional E-sports CS:GO,  League, DOTA2  or anything else similar  Sun Tzu can teach you a lot. 

So Yeah  all the good all the bad all led up to this point ,there's no short version but I'm not about to let PTSD beat me or define me I'm going to keep getting better and out smart it  in every way  I can.

Thank you for reading