Friday, 6 November 2015

What to write about and being in limbo

What  to  write about and being in limbo

This happens a lot I'll wake up  or I won't be able to sleep and I'll be enthused to write a post with no idea where to begin.  I want to make better content and I want to make regular content   as well but sometimes the well  just dries out  and without a lot of deep thought I don't have a lot of ammo to shoot at the page. I can say that recently I'm starting to slowly feel more symptoms of PTSD the Flashbacks are getting slightly worse  and  I didn't have the nightmares as much but they're back  as well. I'm getting angry, guilty  and forgetful all at the same time and it just sucks.  I know I need to make an effort to get myself into the doctors and back into therapy  and then a better job and after  all that I just need to get on with my life.  

It feels like I'm in limbo right now  I'm succeeding at nothing and at the same time failing at nothing. I have a job  I don't have shifts  I don't have bills I don't have money.  I'm actually drinking a lot more as well  trying to keep an eye on that before it becomes another problem.  I'm not drinking every night   but enough  to make myself worry  a bit about it because for a while I was completely sober didn't touch a drop  unless there was an occasion that called for it or I was out with friends.  Don't get me wrong I love drinking  just not to help me sleep even though I know it doesn't actually help me sleep. My life right now  is just waiting for the next bit of cash to come through  and I'm happy to say  by  December  I will be back playing decent games, streaming doing my  PTSD  play throughs and  getting on with all the video editing.  It's something I'm still really new to  and I need to get better at,  but  it's also something I get a lot of enjoyment out of  and I can't really say there are many things like that in my life right  now. 

This is something I've been wanting to do since  June five months  and it doesn't feel like it but I've been out of action for half a year now  and it's really gotten me down.  I loved streaming I loved talking with random strangers and I had one amazing night where I was doing a bunch of crazy things on Subnautica and my channel just lit up like a fireworks display  compared to big streamers it wasn't much but to me it felt amazing and I felt a genuine bond developing between me and my followers especially  the regulars. When my  PC died I had too much spare time to thing and it pushed me into a lot of dark places where I just wanted to get up and leave I had no idea where I was going to go  but it made me realize how much of a genuine life line the PC is to me.  I got through that dark thought  because I had no choice  but to hit at it again and again and again like  a boss on dark souls  the odds just got worse and worse  never in my favour but I had to keep going if you don't keep going you don't complete the game.  

The more  I go through this depression and deal with this PTSD  the less of me I feel is left inside and I truly  believe  there is no happiness to be found in death so I have to keep going. I've played a lot of video games growing up  and watched a lot of anime  as well   and  I remember  seeing this quote a while  ago "I've learned more from people who've never existed than I have from people in real life" and that's so true  I'm reminded a lot of Solid Snake from the Metal Gear Solid series, love it hate I don't care that game taught me more  about living than real people ever could.  When it comes down to it when you've lived a miserable existence  all you can do is find something for yourself  find something to believe in make your life worth something don't waste it. By that I don't mean stay in school do really well in your exams ect,  I mean do something good  and if this is all I leave behind and it helps just one person  then it'll be worth  it because  I made my life worth a damn by helping another get through a rough patch.

 It sounds weird  but I'm so dejected from counsellors and therapy  because thus far every time I've done something for someone else they've proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't.  I've been told to ditch friends , ditch family  and ditch people I've loved because me helping  them  means sometimes I get hurt.  Yeah that happens I help people I get hurt  and  I help them again   because it's the right thing to do no matter what the dilemma. Would Mario be a good game if you could just say fuck this  the princess should save herself,  Would it be right for Solid Snake to say  "I'm out"  when Liquid powers up Mg.Rex it wouldn't be a good game  and it would be an even worse ending. 

Now some of you may be thinking I'm completely  delusional with this trail of thought  don't get me wrong  hate is a a strong word  but there  are definitely  people out there that I hate , people who've hurt me  people who I've hurt back. I'm not saying help everyone  we're all human we're all conditioned to know the difference between right and wrong   help the people you want to help and definitely help them if it's the right thing to do. There's  no use in regretting your actions in the past look to the future   learn from your mistakes and move on. Maybe  I'm just lucky I've met too many influential characters that could not quit on life and couldn't just give up or go down without a fight. When  I think about them  it give me a fire in my belly  like  I can accomplish things  and further pursue what I believe in, it makes me feel ready for the tasks at hand  calm in mind calm in body  but ready to go.    

I won't always feel strong but  I'll get back to feeling strong all the time. 


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