Sunday, 15 November 2015

Slumps and getting out of them

Slumps and getting out of them
Slumps are kind of difficult to define  in mental  health because the decline can be gradual  or it can  be so fast you don't even notice it's happening. I've had break downs and not even realised I've had break downs  and when  I do realise it's like it been a long time coming. We  all find ourselves in slumps in that bottomless pit with no rope to climb, nothing to grab onto  or sometimes   all of the above without the strength to climb out. I'd like to think that tonight for me is a turning point this is me climbing out   and  all that time  I've been in the pit  it's like I've been building up my strength until  I can climb out.

A lot of us manage this without realising   and for days , weeks months even I've been telling myself I'm going to sleep right, I'm going to get up early  or  that  tomorrow I'll do A, B or C  and sometimes  I'll try  and fail  other times I'll try and succeed. When  I fail people would say I'm lazy  and I would believe  them. Recently I've come to an understanding that if you wake up not wanting to live  go to bed not wanting to wake  up  it's understandable that you  don't want to get up in the morning , do want to interact with people , get on a bus, go anywhere because you struggle with existing in the here and now  you see the futility of existing anywhere else or taking part in life. 

What's the point I used to think , when I got to the lowest low  I've ever felt  the only thing I could think is that there was nothing good left. Nothing good left in life the bond I have with some people might last a life time others  will be lucky to make it through the week  but  we all die eventually  and  when  I think about loosing those close to me  it leaves  this big empty hole in my chest  and as horrible as it feels it's a good thing. Life is Suffering , that's what Buddhism teaches we all suffer and we're all rewarded in our next life  based on how we acted in this life I find that to be a fairer system than the big theme park in the sky other religions believe in. I  turned to Buddhism at a young age  my mother  and me got the brunt of the domestic violence from father  her more than me because she would always protect  me. I was to young to scared sometimes even to protect her and from that  I became protective of other and I got this sense courage from out of no where that  I still have today. What I experienced then may have something to do with the way I am now it made a dent at least , my nan  died that made a dent  , my foundation degree tutor was a bully  victimising me in class that made it's dent  and at that point if I was a car I would have been considered a write off  that's when I can remember my depression really  taking it's hold. 

I was in my first slump  I  didn't want to face the mornings,  I didn't want to do anything  and from that point on my life consisted of escapism  and hiding from the problems until their pressure built up and up and up  till it was too much.  When you're in that spot it feels like you're being attacked from all sides  and you have no way to defend yourself  and  you feel hopeless, you feel lost and you just run from the problems even more. Slumps are the worst part of it all not feeling low, wanting to die or waking up from a terrifying nightmare you never thought your brain capable of conjuring. Nightmares come and go, wanting to die exactly the same,  Low mood comes and goes as well  but slumps last weeks if you're lucky , months if you're in trouble   and years if you desperately need to seek help.  

So  how do you get out of your slump? First you think  what would improve my life, what would I get out of bed in the morning for and what would make me sleep well at  night? Then you plan how  do I get it or how do I achieve it ? right now  I'm going to share with you  my list of things I need judge me for them , laugh at them or cry at them do what you need to do.
  • A better  and New GPU
  • Get a moderately well paid job
  • go back to uni and finish my honours degree (this will be the third attempt )
  • Help fix up  the house 
  • Settle into a decent relationship one that's secure and worthwhile
I'll explain because my priorities may seem a bit weird to you guys

I need a new GPU to get back into streaming to improve the way I do  my  blog not just blog posts but I want to do PTSD play through's and try out some new and interesting things  with YouTube and twitch.

Currently I'm the dead weight in the house and I need to start giving back  because I have a job which is kinda  awful for shifts  and  excellent for location, either way I haven't had a shift since  September and I need money for myself as well.

Of course I need to go back to uni I've ran at uni twice without treatment and failed   but finished half the course  doing so  I think with some treatment  I could definitely manage it and get my honours degree. 

We have lived in a broken down  beat up crappy house for years and it's one of the main reasons my  mother is so depressed because it's just been falling apart year after year and this is the house we escaped to just to get away from my father. I want to get it fixed so it helps her  I can't move out till  I've done that.

This is the last goal on the list  and  that's because it's the most difficult  I've jumped into relationship after relationship on pure impulse and some  were great, some were really stupid  none of them were successful  because I never thought  about  what  I needed instead of what I wanted and what  I really need is someone who understands  my  PTSD.  I need someone who  understands I may be in treatment for the rest of my life  for it.  Not like  they'll understand in an "oh I'll help you get better" kind of way support is great  but  I've had girls before out rightly  say they can fix me and it's well meaning but  not practical. 

If you have read up to his point consider making a  list that could make some significant changes in your life.   Thank you for reading  consider leaving a comment  and tell me what you think .

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