Slumps and getting out of them
Slumps are kind of difficult to define in mental health because the decline can be gradual or it can be so fast you don't even notice it's happening. I've had break downs and not even realised I've had break downs and when I do realise it's like it been a long time coming. We all find ourselves in slumps in that bottomless pit with no rope to climb, nothing to grab onto or sometimes all of the above without the strength to climb out. I'd like to think that tonight for me is a turning point this is me climbing out and all that time I've been in the pit it's like I've been building up my strength until I can climb out.
A lot of us manage this without realising and for days , weeks months even I've been telling myself I'm going to sleep right, I'm going to get up early or that tomorrow I'll do A, B or C and sometimes I'll try and fail other times I'll try and succeed. When I fail people would say I'm lazy and I would believe them. Recently I've come to an understanding that if you wake up not wanting to live go to bed not wanting to wake up it's understandable that you don't want to get up in the morning , do want to interact with people , get on a bus, go anywhere because you struggle with existing in the here and now you see the futility of existing anywhere else or taking part in life.
What's the point I used to think , when I got to the lowest low I've ever felt the only thing I could think is that there was nothing good left. Nothing good left in life the bond I have with some people might last a life time others will be lucky to make it through the week but we all die eventually and when I think about loosing those close to me it leaves this big empty hole in my chest and as horrible as it feels it's a good thing. Life is Suffering , that's what Buddhism teaches we all suffer and we're all rewarded in our next life based on how we acted in this life I find that to be a fairer system than the big theme park in the sky other religions believe in. I turned to Buddhism at a young age my mother and me got the brunt of the domestic violence from father her more than me because she would always protect me. I was to young to scared sometimes even to protect her and from that I became protective of other and I got this sense courage from out of no where that I still have today. What I experienced then may have something to do with the way I am now it made a dent at least , my nan died that made a dent , my foundation degree tutor was a bully victimising me in class that made it's dent and at that point if I was a car I would have been considered a write off that's when I can remember my depression really taking it's hold.
I was in my first slump I didn't want to face the mornings, I didn't want to do anything and from that point on my life consisted of escapism and hiding from the problems until their pressure built up and up and up till it was too much. When you're in that spot it feels like you're being attacked from all sides and you have no way to defend yourself and you feel hopeless, you feel lost and you just run from the problems even more. Slumps are the worst part of it all not feeling low, wanting to die or waking up from a terrifying nightmare you never thought your brain capable of conjuring. Nightmares come and go, wanting to die exactly the same, Low mood comes and goes as well but slumps last weeks if you're lucky , months if you're in trouble and years if you desperately need to seek help.
So how do you get out of your slump? First you think what would improve my life, what would I get out of bed in the morning for and what would make me sleep well at night? Then you plan how do I get it or how do I achieve it ? right now I'm going to share with you my list of things I need judge me for them , laugh at them or cry at them do what you need to do.
- A better and New GPU
- Get a moderately well paid job
- go back to uni and finish my honours degree (this will be the third attempt )
- Help fix up the house
- Settle into a decent relationship one that's secure and worthwhile
I'll explain because my priorities may seem a bit weird to you guys
I need a new GPU to get back into streaming to improve the way I do my blog not just blog posts but I want to do PTSD play through's and try out some new and interesting things with YouTube and twitch.
Currently I'm the dead weight in the house and I need to start giving back because I have a job which is kinda awful for shifts and excellent for location, either way I haven't had a shift since September and I need money for myself as well.
Of course I need to go back to uni I've ran at uni twice without treatment and failed but finished half the course doing so I think with some treatment I could definitely manage it and get my honours degree.
We have lived in a broken down beat up crappy house for years and it's one of the main reasons my mother is so depressed because it's just been falling apart year after year and this is the house we escaped to just to get away from my father. I want to get it fixed so it helps her I can't move out till I've done that.
This is the last goal on the list and that's because it's the most difficult I've jumped into relationship after relationship on pure impulse and some were great, some were really stupid none of them were successful because I never thought about what I needed instead of what I wanted and what I really need is someone who understands my PTSD. I need someone who understands I may be in treatment for the rest of my life for it. Not like they'll understand in an "oh I'll help you get better" kind of way support is great but I've had girls before out rightly say they can fix me and it's well meaning but not practical.
If you have read up to his point consider making a list that could make some significant changes in your life. Thank you for reading consider leaving a comment and tell me what you think .