Monday, 30 November 2015

All the good all the bad all led up to this point

All the good  all the bad all led up to this point
I've spent years reading the book of five rings, confusious quotes  and a  bit about buddhism as well, I always found mazing lines of text that would motivate me, make me feel stronger, less sad  and sometimes unbreakable.  I felt  it was amazing that these people wrote these lines hundreds of years ago  and they're helping me today. One Buddhist quote  I remember is that  "life is suffering" and that can be interperted in many different ways  one being end the suffering  end our lives  but thats not the way I would interpert  it  I see it as it is life is suffering  and to live is to endure   and keep moving forward.  

Look back on your life right now  and you will see points where you were low   and points where you were the happiest person  alive, parts where you felt strong parts where you felt weak , the bits where you changed the bits where you stayed the same because no one is who they were last year,  5 years ago or ten years ago we change over time.  This led me to a realization that  all the good things  happened in between all the bad things happening  and when something good happens after a bad thing you have to accept all the bad things that happened.  Why?  Because all the good all the bad all led up to this point  now at the  start of last week  I got a new job  it felt amazing   and friday  I had to quit that job because I couldn't manage the travel or the effect it would have on my mental health. Even though  I'm jobless and me quitting that job is likely to affect my universal credits  in some way I accept it for what it is  and all the good things that happened that week and all the bad lead me to the next point.

Everyone has different things that make them feel strong, for some it's their  self esteem  others their own personal health  for me it's my own words that make me feel strong.  I actually used that a few days ago saying all the good all the bad all led up to this point  and someone read it said  "yeah  I understand how you feel sometimes you just have to admit when you're defeated"  This go me thinking about how it would be interpreted  and you can interpret it in any way you want but when  I say  all the good all the bad all led up to this point it's not because I feel defeated  it's because I'm still living I'm still breathing , I've enjoyed the good  and survived the bad and I'm still here and I'm ready for what comes next. It had nothing to do with feeling defeated  it was everything you feel when you have adrenaline surging through your body. I felt great  and every time you see that quote  I want you to feel great as well   because I know when you're going through something awful there's something amazing around the next corner  don't feel defeated feel ready.   



Sunday, 22 November 2015

I think I just climbed out of the slump

I think I just climbed out of the slump

So recently  life has been quite hectic and I haven't had a lot of time to update this,  I'm going to start by saying that really stressful work I had to do is behind me and it was up to standard  as well.  After that on the Friday I got two  calls about jobs  and went for an interview for one of them yesterday  where I would be working as a fund raiser  I'm pleased to say  if  I  get through the training tomorrow  and Tuesday  I'll be able to start work Wednesday.  Also I'm sleeping better  I sleep at reasonable times  getting up as early as 7 or  8 o'clock now well rested.

So yeah  I'm officially out of the slump and  I won't be earning loads of money  but  I'll be earning enough  to  help out with bills and repairs to the house. I've started recording YouTube videos again with plans for new collaboration  to do my PTSD Play throughs. I'm getting better at editing and my videos are fairly simple right now   but I enjoy making them. That being said I'm doing okay at the moment but I'm still going to be following up with my doctor and actively seeking treatment because yeah  am good today  but I could just fall into another slump tomorrow.

I'm looking into sound proofing my room so my streaming and video making doesn't  bother my family too much.  It'll take time and money  but  I think money won't be as much of an issue when I start work.  I'm still entitled  to be paid by the job centre  so  I will have the money coming in soon  to support me in getting too and from work.  Either way  I'm excited to start this new chapter on good footing if I fall along the way  and end up in a slump  I know I've gotten out of it before   and with what I've written I know  I can get out of them quicker. 

So with this new job I'll be going door to door fund raising for charities, it's commission based but I'll still make £170 a week which is better than the £250 a month the Job centre think is good enough. This has been met with a lot of negativity from friends and from family but it's something better than me staying in bed till 5 pm   and when they started being negative about it it really wore me down.  Then I started to think hang on when I went for this interview  there were lists of fundraisers ans some had been there a really long time  why? If this commission based job was so bad why haven't they left  and why have people stayed long enough to raise money near enough £1,000,000 ? If this job was so bad  why did they stay  and the only answer I can think of is that the job really can't be bad at all.  I mean I understand regardless of what charity  I raise money for I will be knocking on peoples doors and be called worse than shit, I'll be told to fuck off  loads of times but I'll also  get to have a good chat sometimes and raise money for different causes. The people who were being negative and telling me it was a bad idea  have never worked a commission based job before if I'm good at it I'll be paid quite a bit if not I'll be stuck on basic pay until  I get better.

So everyone who reads or follows my blog you can get out of your slump I know you can, you can get back on the horse whether that means getting a job or going to the one you already have.

Sunday, 15 November 2015

Slumps and getting out of them

Slumps and getting out of them
Slumps are kind of difficult to define  in mental  health because the decline can be gradual  or it can  be so fast you don't even notice it's happening. I've had break downs and not even realised I've had break downs  and when  I do realise it's like it been a long time coming. We  all find ourselves in slumps in that bottomless pit with no rope to climb, nothing to grab onto  or sometimes   all of the above without the strength to climb out. I'd like to think that tonight for me is a turning point this is me climbing out   and  all that time  I've been in the pit  it's like I've been building up my strength until  I can climb out.

A lot of us manage this without realising   and for days , weeks months even I've been telling myself I'm going to sleep right, I'm going to get up early  or  that  tomorrow I'll do A, B or C  and sometimes  I'll try  and fail  other times I'll try and succeed. When  I fail people would say I'm lazy  and I would believe  them. Recently I've come to an understanding that if you wake up not wanting to live  go to bed not wanting to wake  up  it's understandable that you  don't want to get up in the morning , do want to interact with people , get on a bus, go anywhere because you struggle with existing in the here and now  you see the futility of existing anywhere else or taking part in life. 

What's the point I used to think , when I got to the lowest low  I've ever felt  the only thing I could think is that there was nothing good left. Nothing good left in life the bond I have with some people might last a life time others  will be lucky to make it through the week  but  we all die eventually  and  when  I think about loosing those close to me  it leaves  this big empty hole in my chest  and as horrible as it feels it's a good thing. Life is Suffering , that's what Buddhism teaches we all suffer and we're all rewarded in our next life  based on how we acted in this life I find that to be a fairer system than the big theme park in the sky other religions believe in. I  turned to Buddhism at a young age  my mother  and me got the brunt of the domestic violence from father  her more than me because she would always protect  me. I was to young to scared sometimes even to protect her and from that  I became protective of other and I got this sense courage from out of no where that  I still have today. What I experienced then may have something to do with the way I am now it made a dent at least , my nan  died that made a dent  , my foundation degree tutor was a bully  victimising me in class that made it's dent  and at that point if I was a car I would have been considered a write off  that's when I can remember my depression really  taking it's hold. 

I was in my first slump  I  didn't want to face the mornings,  I didn't want to do anything  and from that point on my life consisted of escapism  and hiding from the problems until their pressure built up and up and up  till it was too much.  When you're in that spot it feels like you're being attacked from all sides  and you have no way to defend yourself  and  you feel hopeless, you feel lost and you just run from the problems even more. Slumps are the worst part of it all not feeling low, wanting to die or waking up from a terrifying nightmare you never thought your brain capable of conjuring. Nightmares come and go, wanting to die exactly the same,  Low mood comes and goes as well  but slumps last weeks if you're lucky , months if you're in trouble   and years if you desperately need to seek help.  

So  how do you get out of your slump? First you think  what would improve my life, what would I get out of bed in the morning for and what would make me sleep well at  night? Then you plan how  do I get it or how do I achieve it ? right now  I'm going to share with you  my list of things I need judge me for them , laugh at them or cry at them do what you need to do.
  • A better  and New GPU
  • Get a moderately well paid job
  • go back to uni and finish my honours degree (this will be the third attempt )
  • Help fix up  the house 
  • Settle into a decent relationship one that's secure and worthwhile
I'll explain because my priorities may seem a bit weird to you guys

I need a new GPU to get back into streaming to improve the way I do  my  blog not just blog posts but I want to do PTSD play through's and try out some new and interesting things  with YouTube and twitch.

Currently I'm the dead weight in the house and I need to start giving back  because I have a job which is kinda  awful for shifts  and  excellent for location, either way I haven't had a shift since  September and I need money for myself as well.

Of course I need to go back to uni I've ran at uni twice without treatment and failed   but finished half the course  doing so  I think with some treatment  I could definitely manage it and get my honours degree. 

We have lived in a broken down  beat up crappy house for years and it's one of the main reasons my  mother is so depressed because it's just been falling apart year after year and this is the house we escaped to just to get away from my father. I want to get it fixed so it helps her  I can't move out till  I've done that.

This is the last goal on the list  and  that's because it's the most difficult  I've jumped into relationship after relationship on pure impulse and some  were great, some were really stupid  none of them were successful  because I never thought  about  what  I needed instead of what I wanted and what  I really need is someone who understands  my  PTSD.  I need someone who  understands I may be in treatment for the rest of my life  for it.  Not like  they'll understand in an "oh I'll help you get better" kind of way support is great  but  I've had girls before out rightly  say they can fix me and it's well meaning but  not practical. 

If you have read up to his point consider making a  list that could make some significant changes in your life.   Thank you for reading  consider leaving a comment  and tell me what you think .

Saturday, 14 November 2015

Hate and Anger

Hate and Anger

Recent events have pushed me to write this  because of what's happened in Paris and Lebanon the recent attacks  by  ISIS  we soon will have a lot more people suffering from mental illnesses. Today some people can't be with their families because their loved ones are no longer breathing  and that would break me all over again if it was someone  I loved. I can't imagine what the people of Paris are going through but I know what life after a traumatic experience is like  and it's not easy. Hate  is easy  and anger even easier   it's something I struggle with on a day to day basis because it's too easy to hate the people that hurt  me  that put me through the trauma.  What's hard is rising above all that hate and anger  letting it mould my work in a positive way  that can help others. 

I won't stop hating the five individuals who attacked me broad daylight  in a town  where I'd always felt safe, I won't sop hating the guy that tried to mug me on the bus and I definitely won't stop hating the two guys that  attacked me on the bus threatening to slit my throat open because I wouldn't lend them my phone the month after. I'm never going to feel happy thinking about them , I'll never befriend  them and although they  make me feel a strong hatred and anger towards them  I'm not going to spread that either. Since then I'm able to concentrate that anger and hatred into something better  and that's  written work to help others. 

That's why today it's important that we learn what to do with our anger  our hatred towards these acts  and we  direct it towards the  people involved not the ideals they stand for not their religion we direct it towards the people that did it. That's the most important part because this is where even more innocent people start to get hurt. The people that have caused me the most pain in life , the people who caused my trauma weren't Muslims they were people from my own town  no faith to speak of and they are still my mind some of  the most vile disgusting people  on planet. Just like  in Paris  the people who caused all that death and destruction  weren't Muslims they we're deranged  misguided individuals following an ideology that doesn't belong in any faith or religion. 

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Strange Unfortunate Fortunate Circumstances

Strange  Unfortunate  Fortunate  Circumstances 

On this blog I write a lot about my  personal experiences and  that means good and bad however  in the early hours of this morning  something happened and it  made an on going bad experience make sense and turned it into a  really  good experience. I'm hoping that through this post   I can show you that although you're going through hell right now  feeling hopeless and useless  there  may be a reason why that's good. This is very circumstantial in my case but  I don't sleep very well  or very much and when  I do sleep  I sleep too much  I woke up at  5:00PM  today  I have no idea what  time I fell asleep  but I'm usually up till 4:00AM  minimum. This has been going on for months  sometimes to the extent that I've gone entire weeks  without seeing the sunlight. It's not a good thing it means  I'm not able to get a better job right now  because I'm always asleep when the working hours start, and if I'm awake it's because I'm exhausted.

So  around about 4:00AM  I got a text off a friend who has type two bipolar disorder and recently  she's been quiet struggling on her own  and  the text last  night  just confirmed she was in a bad way so I called her up immediately  and we started  talking. She told me  that a lot of things had happened and she felt like she was the problem  but she wasn't   and this girls  is one of the nicest girls I've ever met  she's such a lovely person. She was on a low  and I wanted to talk her around so I tried to make her laugh   and sometimes it worked   sometimes it didn't but I kept talking and  I kept discussing how she felt with her and I had to tell her we all have slip ups,  I've been in a slip  up since June  and I booked  a doctors appointment  this week.  This girls tries really hard with her treatment  she wants to get better  but like all of us she had a slip up  and it made her feel guilty  and the guilt turned into anger, the anger turned into frustration so she texted me.

If I wasn't in my 5 month slip  up of not seeking help  I could have been really well and what scares me the most  I could have been asleep  when she sent that text. So  I'm glad these past five months have been horrible sometimes okay   and sometimes even really good.  It means I can accept all those bad times needed to happen so  I could be awake to receive that text last night  so  I could call her and try my best to make her feel better. I dread to think what would happen if I wasn't awake   because  I know what it's like  to loose a battle with my own thoughts  and there's always battles with your thoughts  I'm always going to have them  and I'll lose some ,  I'll win some but you don't want to lose the war. Right now  I miss her  and I hate  that  am stuck here with no  money I just really wanted to give her a hug last night  and  I couldn't. I can't really describe how amazing she is  and she's always been too nice for her own good  it's upsetting to see  how things have turned out for her because she doesn't deserve what's happening to her right now. I only wish  I could be of more  help  , I'm not a doctor  or a counsellor  but I don't want her to suffer any more  and I don't want her to be alone with that suffering either.

So I'm going to end this post with a Confucius quote, thanks for reading I hope I can make a difference to my friends  life.

Monday, 9 November 2015

Why Mental Health Matters

Why Mental Health Matters

Your mental health is just as important as the hear, the lungs , the kidneys and the brain you need it to function as a human being.  I didn't realize it but when  I moved back home and my PC  broke on me I was devastated it was a big part of my life  but  it lead me to the biggest and best metaphor  for my own mental health.  I play a lot of games  in my free time  and all I have now is free time  but I didn't really play any games today  just until about an hour ago  I did an hours practice  on CS:GO  starting to do that every day  if I can so I have some sort of structure.  20th  of  June  my Mam helped me pack my  pc  and all my other stuff into the car drove me home and helped me move back in,  I set up my PC   as temporary set up and everything was fine for a few hours until  the screen just went black and the PC wouldn't turn back on again.  I spent hours tinkering away  trying to get it to turn back on  but nothing worked try and think about the PC  being me in this example. I did loads of research consulted  all my friends  we all work in IT and we came to the conclusion  that  it was a mother board  issue  if you're not tech savvy the motherboard is a circuit board in the PC that all the other components interface with similar to the brain in a way it needs to be working for the gpu to  work  and cpu similar to the heart and lungs  in the human body.

So when I got paid instantly  bought a new motherboard  figured  everything would work  after that , how wrong  I was. Pc still didn't work  so  got back talking to my friends told them  I fucked up  and we found out I had a faulty power supply so after months of waiting I got the money to replace the power supply thinking right it'll work  after I get this set up, I was wrong again   and this just really  made me angry  to  the point that the thing I was meant to be good at  I just couldn't do any more  so  I got talking with my friends again  and we thought  if it's not the GPU  and it's not  the PSU  it must  be  the  CPU  so guess what happened  I got a new CPU  and that wasn't the problem  either  and  I  love my  PC  so  hear  I am sat with a brand new  PC  that just wouldn't  work  and I got desperate and stuck my  old  GPU  you  in there   and it worked  it actually worked  and the pc powered up  it was usable   for a few weeks  until the  GPU  died think  of the old GPU  as my old self or your old  self , the  you that didn't have depression and the you when you experience true happiness. Putting  the old  GPU  in the  PC  breathed some life back into it  for a short time  and I guess that's  how I feel when I'm not on a low I feel like my old self and when  I'm on a low I can't even recall happiness.  

But yeah the old GPU  broke  and  I was left broken again the same as  my PC  until I called one of my closest  friends  Nick  and asked if I could borrow his old  GPU  for a little while  and he said yeah  and that it was no problem ,   stuck the GPU in the board powered it up  and that's how  I'm typing this right now. I  mean  his GPU  is a bit  old it's far from perfect  but in away  am exactly the same except the old part 22 isn't that old. The best thing is it works   and it's been reliable but  I couldn't have don that  without help from a friend  and I'm still working on my  PC to make it better  it's taking time  and energy  but  I'm doing the exact same thing with myself.   

If you've kept up and followed me through this entire metaphor you can see how a machine can just be systematically  disabled   just by having one part that doesn't work  and my PTSD  means I have one part that doesn't  work, but with the help and support  of my  friends  and family  I'm getting new parts and building myself  back up  until  I am who  I was before. Mental health  matters because is so  broad it's so  difficult  to trouble shoot and it can happen to anyone  it's not  like heart disease  or  cancer.  Eating healthy and quitting the tabs  won't relieve you of any  symptoms the only thing that can is the help and support of others. I hope  that one day this blog will be helpful to someone , people can learn from my mistakes my  pitfall  my stupid moments and my good moments  and amazing moments. Not everyone has  my friends   or my family or the support I've had  in the past so  it keeps me moving keeps me typing keeps  me  thinking.  

Sunday, 8 November 2015

What is stigma?

What  Is stigma ?
So I'm  going to start  with  the dictionary  definition then I'm going to  build on that with various  experiences   that I've had or that friends have had.

 is a mark of disgrace that sets a person apart. When a person is labelled by their illness they are seen as part of a stereotyped group. Negative attitudes create prejudice which leads to negative actions and discrimination.

So when  we talk about  Stigma we mean stigma where mental  illness is concerned and the problem  is because there's a wide variety  of mental illness and poor treatment and therapy  to go with them.  For me personally  stigma takes place in the form of barriers  people have and will  put barriers in place if you have a mental illness , I would say 90% of the time  it's because they have no clue about  what the mental illness is or how it effects you so they  don't want to take a risk. It is only a rare  10%  of cruel people that don't believe in depression , PTSD and anxiety.

I think it's quite appropriate  to talk about it right now  but I don't mean to cause offence with this next paragraph I'm just trying to  put things into perspective about how we look at mental health. Today was remembrance  Sunday in Britain it's when we remember the soldier who gave their lives to defend our country  and  I didn't watch it today. I couldn't watch it today because  I couldn't help but think about all the soldiers that came back with shell shock  and were told there was nothing wrong with them if they were spared the firing squad that is. I'm always going to consider any soldier in the British army a hero  for what they give up for our country. Shell shock brought PTSD into the limelight made it a topic , made it something to learn  about  and what I can say compared to back then things have improved  , back then it 90%  cruel 10% misunderstanding.  I feel there should be a separate day for soldiers who came back with PTSD    we should honour them even more because they came back from the war  just to fight another war. 

I can't put in a job application without thinking will my PTSD hold  me  back ? I know it's silly I know it's stupid  but  I've had people tell me there's nothing wrong with me that depression isn't real   that PTSD isn't a problem. I'm always trying to  be upfront with my  potential employers. I'm not about to forget that those people exist  and  they've been quite smart  to an extent  so  it would be unwise to assume  that anyone is incapable  of being that stupid.  I don't say that to be mean  I say that because the education isn't there to help people understand. That's how we beat the stigma  we educate  and  me making this blog I'm here to support those of you struggling  but I'm  also here to help educate those who don't understand.

When I started this blog I was terrified  about what people might think when  I talk about my own issues. As each post went up I was less and less scared  and it felt good to get my work out there and as a writing exercise this has been an amazing experience  that I was in dire need of. I want more people to blog   because  amplifying one voice and conveying the same message  it has power.  I'm watching a lot of heroes reborn  these days and  if you ware watching it  THAT IS STIGMA! That's exactly it  we're the EVO's which is the cool part  and there's a load of people out there  that want to contain the problem   but don't know how . People are afraid of what they don't understand so  get a voice, get blog  or a youtube channel  start vlogging  what ever you can do and help them understand.

Lastly don't  just remember  the fallen remember  everyone who fell  and everyone who struggled during and after the war on both sides there was death and misery no one came off the war happy  be it WW1, WW2, Northern Ireland,  Gulf Wars , Afghanistan and what's going on today. 

Saturday, 7 November 2015

Not Just soldiers

Not Just Soldiers 

I've said this before and I'll keep saying it  you don't have to  be a soldier  to develop PTSD there's a long list of things that can cause PTSD  combat is just one of them   we also have witnessing death or injury, sexual assault, accidents like car crash, natural disasters,  child sexual abuse and in my case physical assault.  It's a very soldier focused illness because soldiers are more likely  to develop PTSD but it doesn't make one more sever than the other.  

When I was first diagnosed with  PTSD  my first question was
 "are you sure ?"  and they were  I didn't know myself the full extent  of the  illness because at the time I wasn't experiencing all of it and a lot of what I was experiencing just seemed like an inconvenience  more than an illness unable to sleep, unable to focus I couldn't do any of my uni work. Feelings of guilt were quite regular the flashbacks weren't as strong  but over time  my PTSD  has gone untreated and I've had nothing to anchor myself  I started to experience the  anger ,self destruction , nightmares , bad memory   and some of these are only rearing their ugly heads little by little  and it's horrible but I'm coping. 

See there's already a stigma attached to mental illness I can't describe how hard it is to live with an illness that everyone thinks you couldn't possibly have because you haven't been in combat  or in a war zone of any kind. My first thought when ever telling someone is that they're going to assume I'm lying or they're going to accuse me of lying as soon as they  find out  I wasn't a soldier.

Now when I say  physical assault  in my case I don't just mean one assault  first  I was assaulted in broad day light in a busy street  loads of people  and I got assaulted by 5 people  the physical pain wasn't so bad.  The second was a week or so later  I was revisiting where I got assaulted  because I thought it might bring some closure  on the bus back I got verbally abused and then physically assaulted  as the guy tried to steal my phone.  When I got hope after that I just broke down  no where felt  safe  any more I didn't trust anyone I couldn't trust anyone. 

Soon after  I just shut myself away threw myself into volunteer work which was difficult  but  I did really well  all my friends were off to uni and I felt isolated  until I decided to apply, I have a history for being the latest applicant in the world  or I should by now  and after a few weeks of stressful paper work  I was off to Sunderland uni  where I would  pass two modules  out of six. I repeated the year living in accommodation nearby and only managed to pass one more module. I gained a lot of skills, a lot of experience but  that's when  PTSD  decided to take it's hold on me.  I had a tutor who was really great really understanding  and she did everything  she could  to get me focused and doing work and I was just unable to. I have to go back some day  and finish off my course I don't know if I can  I don't feel that I can right now. 

So with that I deem this the appropriate image for the post, because we're not all soldiers  but we do suffer from PTSD.

Friday, 6 November 2015

What to write about and being in limbo

What  to  write about and being in limbo

This happens a lot I'll wake up  or I won't be able to sleep and I'll be enthused to write a post with no idea where to begin.  I want to make better content and I want to make regular content   as well but sometimes the well  just dries out  and without a lot of deep thought I don't have a lot of ammo to shoot at the page. I can say that recently I'm starting to slowly feel more symptoms of PTSD the Flashbacks are getting slightly worse  and  I didn't have the nightmares as much but they're back  as well. I'm getting angry, guilty  and forgetful all at the same time and it just sucks.  I know I need to make an effort to get myself into the doctors and back into therapy  and then a better job and after  all that I just need to get on with my life.  

It feels like I'm in limbo right now  I'm succeeding at nothing and at the same time failing at nothing. I have a job  I don't have shifts  I don't have bills I don't have money.  I'm actually drinking a lot more as well  trying to keep an eye on that before it becomes another problem.  I'm not drinking every night   but enough  to make myself worry  a bit about it because for a while I was completely sober didn't touch a drop  unless there was an occasion that called for it or I was out with friends.  Don't get me wrong I love drinking  just not to help me sleep even though I know it doesn't actually help me sleep. My life right now  is just waiting for the next bit of cash to come through  and I'm happy to say  by  December  I will be back playing decent games, streaming doing my  PTSD  play throughs and  getting on with all the video editing.  It's something I'm still really new to  and I need to get better at,  but  it's also something I get a lot of enjoyment out of  and I can't really say there are many things like that in my life right  now. 

This is something I've been wanting to do since  June five months  and it doesn't feel like it but I've been out of action for half a year now  and it's really gotten me down.  I loved streaming I loved talking with random strangers and I had one amazing night where I was doing a bunch of crazy things on Subnautica and my channel just lit up like a fireworks display  compared to big streamers it wasn't much but to me it felt amazing and I felt a genuine bond developing between me and my followers especially  the regulars. When my  PC died I had too much spare time to thing and it pushed me into a lot of dark places where I just wanted to get up and leave I had no idea where I was going to go  but it made me realize how much of a genuine life line the PC is to me.  I got through that dark thought  because I had no choice  but to hit at it again and again and again like  a boss on dark souls  the odds just got worse and worse  never in my favour but I had to keep going if you don't keep going you don't complete the game.  

The more  I go through this depression and deal with this PTSD  the less of me I feel is left inside and I truly  believe  there is no happiness to be found in death so I have to keep going. I've played a lot of video games growing up  and watched a lot of anime  as well   and  I remember  seeing this quote a while  ago "I've learned more from people who've never existed than I have from people in real life" and that's so true  I'm reminded a lot of Solid Snake from the Metal Gear Solid series, love it hate I don't care that game taught me more  about living than real people ever could.  When it comes down to it when you've lived a miserable existence  all you can do is find something for yourself  find something to believe in make your life worth something don't waste it. By that I don't mean stay in school do really well in your exams ect,  I mean do something good  and if this is all I leave behind and it helps just one person  then it'll be worth  it because  I made my life worth a damn by helping another get through a rough patch.

 It sounds weird  but I'm so dejected from counsellors and therapy  because thus far every time I've done something for someone else they've proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't.  I've been told to ditch friends , ditch family  and ditch people I've loved because me helping  them  means sometimes I get hurt.  Yeah that happens I help people I get hurt  and  I help them again   because it's the right thing to do no matter what the dilemma. Would Mario be a good game if you could just say fuck this  the princess should save herself,  Would it be right for Solid Snake to say  "I'm out"  when Liquid powers up Mg.Rex it wouldn't be a good game  and it would be an even worse ending. 

Now some of you may be thinking I'm completely  delusional with this trail of thought  don't get me wrong  hate is a a strong word  but there  are definitely  people out there that I hate , people who've hurt me  people who I've hurt back. I'm not saying help everyone  we're all human we're all conditioned to know the difference between right and wrong   help the people you want to help and definitely help them if it's the right thing to do. There's  no use in regretting your actions in the past look to the future   learn from your mistakes and move on. Maybe  I'm just lucky I've met too many influential characters that could not quit on life and couldn't just give up or go down without a fight. When  I think about them  it give me a fire in my belly  like  I can accomplish things  and further pursue what I believe in, it makes me feel ready for the tasks at hand  calm in mind calm in body  but ready to go.    

I won't always feel strong but  I'll get back to feeling strong all the time. 

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

SGG - Support Group For Geeks

SGG - Support  Group  For Geeks
So  a friend recently asked me if I would help her with a group she wanted to set up and  the group is a support group geeks with mental illness or disorders. My friend asked me to be an admin and I accepted and I'm looking forward to being a part of this group most of my work so far has been to get readers  to understand that they're not alone in what they're experiencing or going through so  I'm hoping the group can do that tenfold.

I'd love for some people to come on as guest bloggers and give me their perspective of depression, anxiety , OCD or  Bipolar.  Doing this has given me quite   a lot to do not so much that it's overwhelming but just enough to feel like I'm making a difference so  I hope I can encourage more people to write about their illness. Social media is a powerful tool and what we need to understand is that the entire world barring very specific parts of my home town is hooked up to it  and it's our best tool to fight the stigma associated with mental health issues. 

For example  I was a student when I was at my most sucidal   and my loan was gone every time I payed my rent keep in mind students are quite at risk to develop mental health issues.  Because I have PTSD it  means I don't sleep well , I'm forgetful  when it counts and I cannot find a single shred of focus a lot of the time, this is why I might pump out 3 blog posts  and nothing for the rest of the month  I had hoped to be doing one each week. So yeah  I had no money  and  I suddenly  had an £8 prescription to pay for for anti depressants   for a two week dosage  so  I had to have at least  £8 to spare after  food shopping ever 2 weeks  when I had no money  coming and  I was so Lucky to get a job at the Stadium  of  Light in Sunderland,  zero  hour contract  but  It meant  I could spend  £40  on food shopping to last me a few weeks    and £8  on the  prescription.  Now there was apparently  a form I could fill in where  I would be able to get  prescription  but you know  what makes me loose focus more than anything ?  FORMS I hate forms  and I just couldn't fill the thing in because firstly it was a pack of several forms  I had no idea which one was for me or for my cat. Months past and I got by  but  instead of doing uni work it was a battle between me  and  my pay  and who could stretch the furthest  I went into withdrawal at least 3 times  the worst  of which when  I moved back home in June I had no shifts till  August  so  I couldn't afford to get to Sunderland  or pay for a prescription. It was kinda hot for a little bit as well , I spent all of June through to July  renovating my room  and I kinda got it done   but  I was a volcano  and cold sweats  for a while. Moral  of the story cold  turkey   is best done never  but I didn't even have enough  to lower my dosage and slowly get off them meds.

I honestly  feel alone  with PTSD because the only other person I've talked to with  PTSD  is  the guy  trying to jump off the bridge and  I instantly recognised the  symptoms.  I felt comfortable  talking to him even though he was sat on the edge of the bridge ready  to jump  and he had war trauma as well  so  his PTSD  was much more severe than mine. The reason I feel alone is because I'm expected to  be able to do things that I'm just not able to do any more  as soon as I got home my mam asked me  to  do  some work  for her colleague  and I tried  but  I feel like  I fucked it up royally. I regret not being able to do enough because I couldn't focus  on the work  until the last few weeks,  and as result  I feel extremely guilty  for not doing more  or not understanding it well enough.  In the end I'm just blaming myself for everything and as a result it was making every symptom worse  because I felt guilty  and couldn't focus I got angry and irritable because  I felt guilty and couldn't focus  and it's a vicious build up of symptoms  I experience  every  time something goes wrong.  

Even though I'm looking back on this now  and trying to put it behind  me   I have good days,  I have bad days  and  I have those days  where I just don't want to be here any more  and those days where I feel I can take on anything.  If you're interested in joining the support group for geeks  here's a link  - and I'll see you in there.