Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Social Isolation a War room for your suicide

Social Isolation
Now don't lie we all do it  we all have or will do at some point socially isolate ourselves  if we have depression  and this can be both good and bad  so lets talk about the bad first to get it over with.  Isolating yourself in such a way e.g. not leaving the house in days, weeks or months  can have a strong effect on how we interact with human beings in the real world  and this could go either  way   because I've come out of social isolation before with barely enough confidence to string a sentence  together  and other times more recently  even  I've come out with enough confidence to stop caring.  After long periods of Isolation  I've developed stammers not severe  but enough to really annoy me and that's where  streaming an YouTube helped me  I was communicating with an audience or a partner . A lot of us however are slaves to our economic setting   living in an area of poverty means you're more likely   to socially  isolate yourself  and even times I feel like that "how is this guy  from Durham going to do anything  meaningful?" and that's all I really want to do  make my life leave a mark  I mean I have other goals alongside that obviously. If someone feels like that it's difficult to continue  with their lives  it's living without seeing light at the end of  the tunnel  and a lot of the time these people are just going through the motions thinking this is how things are going to be,  Now if you're a follower of my blog I know  this may sound contradictory to stopping social isolation, if you read  the Dokkodo  in my earlier  post you do  need to  accept everything the way it is but that doesn't mean you can't do anything about it just accept the situation first then  evaluate it and  see what you can do about it.  The deeper or longer the isolation the more likely you are to forget  the circles you were in where you were accepted  and  you start to feel unworthy of those circles and those friends and trail of thought only leads to darker and darker places.  As horrible as it sounds and I hope it doesn't come across as callus social isolation  isn't  just shutting yourself out from the  world for a while , isolate yourself long enough and it becomes the war room for your suicide . So if you have depression or have a friend with depression you need to reach out   and make them feel safe and not alone.

Now that we've gotten that out the way there are good parts of social Isolation   and that is thought , being alone with your thoughts can be just as helpful as it can be dangerous  and sometimes you do need to be alone it's not unhealthy  as long is it's not excessive if  you need to take some time yourself then go do  that.  Once you understand the unhealthy  attitudes social isolation causes you to develop it's a lot easier to curb those bad habbits myself  I always used to feel  like I was bothering people  or that  I had nothing worth saying this was because of many different factors social isolation being one of them and family being the other. I know I'm  the youngest in the family  and for years this lead to me being talked over, talked down to and sometimes just ignored. So I've always felt like an outsider and  I still do   I'm still made to feel as if my opinion doesn't matter in a lot of cases.  The only  thing that keeps me going is  that I know enough  and  I have enough common sense  just to get on with things and this does  mean  I don't get involved in discussions with family or about family matters because  I want to communicate with people who would treat me like an equal even if there is a difference of opinion. This is mostly because  when  my brothers girlfriend starts  talking the only  thing  I want to say  is "shut up you're a fucking moron"  that's my first go to response  and it's not fair  of me to say  she's a Moron it's an assumption  based experience listening to her previously  but still  I've been banking these since the 20th of  June. That's a long rambly example  of discussions I don't involve myself in  because  I'd rather be on here  having meaningful   discussions about real issues.

I'm not here to encourage social isolation tough  it's one of the things  I want discourage   because a lot of people commit suicide when they social isolate themselves, I've been there and social isolation was my war room it  was horrible  and at times it was exactly what I needed to go seek help.  I've been Isolated with a strong group for friends  around me  and then I've been Isolated with no one  so  you would think  I could gauge which one was better?  You would be wrong because when you're socially  isolated   it's you and your thoughts having the active discussion and it's the only discussion that matters "are we going to keep going on like this?" I've been there more than once  and I'll wager I'll get to that point again at some point in my  life but each time  I chose to continue I was at a different level in life, stronger willed more confident  and sometimes just cocky  with no idea what was coming next .

My favourite  quote to leave you with  and it's one that keeps me going any  time  I'm low or hit rock bottom "if you get knocked down 7 times get up 8"   

Sunday, 27 September 2015

Continuing and giving up

Continuing and giving up 

when you first look at it you may not see a big difference between giving up and choosing not to continue but there is a massive difference between the two. I'm ready with some examples to help explain what I mean to you guys , So you can give up a job and go get another job, you  can give up on a course and  go find another course you can give up on a person and go find  another person  you can't choose not to continue. If you play any games  at all Tekken , Street fighter, Resident evil  or Metal gear solid to name a few  you had the option of continuing and choosing not to continue  if you messed  up   and with depression you can't give up depression you can only continue. The same way you hit yes to continue in any game you played you still had challenges ahead of you,  they didn't go away they didn't get any easier for you they were still there for you to face  and you throw yourself at the these challenges in any game in mario until you understand the level   and you understand how to avoid bowsers koopa troopers and gumbas same with depression every day you wake up and choose to continue this life you throw yourself into the level and yes you won't always succeed first time you won't always find that magical power up or mushroom you need to get you through the level but like with depression that challenges don't disappear  and with depression there are no glitches or cheat codes for you to rely on  but you can get through it.

If you press yes  to continue in tekken and like me you've not kept track of how many fights you've had you don't know if you have ten fights ahead of you or one really hard fight ahead of you, you can wake up with depression not knowing if you have a couple of days on a low or what feels like an eternity. I discovered this recently when playing  Bioshock 2  a game a ashamed to say I still haven't played through  I got to the Fontaine futures level  played through a quite a bit of that stage and then my graphics card had a bitch fit and shut down the game loosing my save data I didn't know this until I loaded it up and I was in the Fontaine futures station  at that point I felt so defeated by the game  that  I didn't want to continue and  I realized I'd been there before when I'd been so defeated by  life  I didn't want to continue. Then after a few days thinking about it yeah loading that save data or lack their of defeated me  for a moment  but then I thought I still  want to know how the game turns out  and in the same way  I do that waking up everyday because I want to know how my life turns out.

The more I thought about it the more I could relate it to gaming and not just the things you deal with  while having depression   but the things you miss out on as well, so if you were to ask me what is true happiness  to a person with depression my answer would be "it's like looking  for a really rare pokemon once you find it you've ran out of pokeballs and you're too cautious to believe it's real that you don't want to waste your masterball on it". Gaming has provided me with a deeper meaning to life and I feel like  I'm only scratching the surface with it.

So my message today  and maybe I will start  doing a message of the day  is that the princess is in another castle   and you're almost there, you can't give up you can only continue and if you don't continue you won't know how that really awesome game ends. 

Friday, 18 September 2015

Heads brewing up a storm

Heads brewing up a storm

This is going to be kind of hard to describe , when I say heads brewing up a storm it means I am in a position am sure some of you have been in where there are about 5 different things to tackle in the coming days but those 5 feel like 50  different things to fix and work on and there inevitable conflict involved in solving those problems. In other words I don't have a headache but my head is completely gone at the moment am having flashbacks to hours ago and over thinking every little detail.  Every problem caused was by  someone quite close to me so obviously I can't really talk about it because then we argue then I get guilt tripped then I start feeling low  and suicidal  because the one person I'm trying to help   isn't letting me and refuses to understand that I understand the situations involved better than they think I  do. At that point I just start to think what's the point in me being here?  It's generally just a shit time  but it happens time and time again and there's nothing I can do about it.  

I've been working hard and thinking hard  about what I wanted to do after I left uni and I've always been one of those people where I've never known what I wanted to do and I find it laughable that anyone expects you to know what you want to do or be when you're older at any age but  that's always been me and  I never knew.  Since June my life has been paying bills putting money into the house and slowly month after month working towards getting my PC  back up and running so  I have the opportunity  to make more money so bills can be less of a worry. It's only now  my path is actually becoming clear on what I  need to do and want to be .  I'm going to talk more about what I want to do and what I want to be in later posts because at the moment it's multiple things which I need to work on. 

I'm having more and more trouble controlling my anger because where it should be released it's not and I'm not getting any closure  so  I'm kind of stumped for what to do, I'm constantly being undermined  in the projects  I'm involved in and it's hitting myself esteem  and again the problem is it's someone close to me causing these problems so how  do I deal with that? As soon as I bring it up as a problem I'm having a go at them, I'm being ungrateful , I'm not considering their feelings   but in reality  I can't know their feelings beyond mine being hurt repeatedly my feelings don't have the chance to get back up without being knocked to the ground again and that's how  I'm starting to feel on a daily basis. Feels like  have no more family  and they're there  these people are living, breathing and they're in my life  but  it's like I'm not meant to be here or I'm an inconvenience  to them  and these are the family members that are meant to  understand what I'm going through. If I can develop a  new coping mechanism for dealing with this   then  I'll definitely share it with you guys,  until then  I guess am just going to have to keep wading through the bullshit. 

Thursday, 17 September 2015

Work and Motivation

Work and Motivation

So if you didn't know this post is about work and motivation something we all struggle with from time to time or even every day, now  I'm going to be honest I have less than 2 weeks to do a whole  qualification and I solidly stand by my beliefs that I can do it  but  I could have done it months ago...... no seriously I've wasted so much time  creating barriers , procrastinating , playing on games  and even cleaning. It's now crunch time I have 6 units to do out of 8  and I'm terrified  because I really want to get this work done and  if  I do get it done it means great things for me and my continued work in social media but I lacked the concentration to do any uni work  literally did none of it.  Annnnd  it's exactly the same this time however I have done this before  I've stayed up for two-three days straight just ruining my keyboard getting work done   and although  a lot's changed since then I need to tell myself  I am still me  I am still capable of all my past achievements and I'm capable of the task at hand.  

Now anyone reading this  I could use some support  I have a lot of self doubt  but I also know  I'm capable of this ,  My lack of treatment  can no  longer be a go to excuse  for me when I fail at something I can't afford treatment  I don't have the patience to fill out forms for free treatment even then the kind of treatment I need involves travel something else I can no longer afford . This time failure is not an option  I've lined myself up a lot of nice little jobs and projects and for those to happen I need to get this work done.

I've done it before I can do it again  and the Idea is I'm going to make this blog post , publish it ,share it on twitter and pintrest   and am going to power through this work.  I've worked with SQL  databases , I've programmed things, I've built websites , I'm a streamer and youtuber I'm fairly plugged in social media wise I run successful projects  and  the horrible thing is I hold myself to a high standard so  if  something isn't quite there it's probably none existent to anyone but myself . Not a perfectionist but  at the same time  if I'm not achieving my own personal standard in any of my work  I feel angry I feel dejected  and the reason I'm posting a lot less is because I'm getting a build up of anger I can't quite control yet.  It's coming from slowly  uncapping my own personal filter  instead of being silent   about something that irritates  me or goes wrong  I get angry instead now  and while  it's great  that I'm releasing that it's also becoming a problem personally and socially.  So
 yes plenty of things I need to work on   and if you do feel like you filter yourself , keep yourself quiet when you have something to say don't say it, even if it gets you in trouble you need to say it  otherwise it sticks in your head bounces off the walls of your cranium  in the "I should have said" section of your head for weeks on end.

So if you're a reader  thank you for  taking the time to read this  , there'll be more from me 22soon! 

Thursday, 10 September 2015

National Suicide Prevention Day

National  Suicide Prevention Day

So as am writing this I've only just found out it's national suicide prevention  day  and I'm kind of unsure what to write however I do feel we in the eye of the storm at the moment with mental health.  Each day I'm seeing more and more on social media about mental health issues and it's kind of like the fight back I guess the fightback against all those who say depression is just being sad for a little while, panic attacks are someone seeking attention or being overly dramatic  or that telling someone you want to end you life here is someone just a little upset and negative. Really it needs to stop but it won't if we don't have a voice if we don't keep up with what we do on social media all of us with a mental health condition need to build up the courage to say something not just in the UK but world wide.

I think we need to stop giving hatred a voice  multiple times for the controversy and media storm Katie Hopkins has said depression isn't really it's  just people moaning and being sad and turning it into something it's not.  Depression is a physical illness as well as mental  you feel weak in you bones when you should have so much energy,  you feel  tired when you should feel active when things get really bad for me I dunno what it is but it's kinda like a hot flush through my entire body  and those things knock me sideways sometimes  lucky for me it rarely gets to that point.  For a second I want to address one thing and that is that we all get hurt  whether it be family issues, physical violence or falling in love we  all get hurt and we get defensive  and each wall you put up to defend yourself you  start to hide yourself not just from others but yourself as well, you struggle to be yourself and the whole experience is bizarre and when you let down those defences it's like you're a little man piloting someone's body. 

You live in a world of self justification is it okay to do A or to do B  or should I do neither  ? For a lot of us if we can't justify it we don't do it and it leads to less social interaction, passing up missed opportunities  and also getting hurt more. You have to  break those barriers down slowly one at a time , break them all down it's overwhelming and it feels wrong but bit by bit try new things try things you wouldn't normally do work on  getting new life experiences. Go out and help people join projects feel that feeling you get when you know you've done the right thing  and you've made someone's life a bit better that in turn will make you feel better. Do whatever you can just to  avoid spending a day alone in silence  or with your voice echoing off the walls.  Ignore social convention within reason and go out meet new people   and work on yourself.  Even if it's just one day a week say this is the one day a week am going to go out do some good maybe or just talk to someone anything and slow increase the number of days you do that.  I used to do that a lot  the whole staying in never going out  and it a was a nice view but it was even better outside :) .

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

How people talk about mental health

How people talk about mental health 

I think speaking about mental health is where we get most of our misconceptions, I'd consider myself normal  to an extent of normal where I want to live my life and enjoy it,  I don't consider myself a nutter,crazy or insane usually the easy go to terms people use when describing someone with mental health issues.  When I'm stressed my PTSD  is harder to deal with yes  when something bad happens I can either be on a low and feel 10 times more low than the low I was previously  on or I can be on a high and it's like the bad thing never happened or it's like very much at the back of my mind at that point but the exact same thing can happen when good things happen as well I just have no control over it. Sometimes when  I'm having a flashback I flinch and think wow that was pretty crazy  and it's only really because it's different and people walking around without mental health issues  they don't need to deal with highs, lows, panic attacks or flashbacks and am just dealing with it as it comes. 

My Mam also has severe mental health issues, no seriously she does   but she's happy to call herself nuts or crazy and I'm not a fan of it but that's her making humour to deflect that she genuinely does have severe depression  but she's also quite open about it and it's comfort having her around  even though we're a little different in terms of illness and problems because we talk about it  and connect and don't feel so bad because we've both had similar experience. A lot of the time you'll be telling yourself "it's me that's the problem" there in social situations   but it's not a lot of the time it's  the symptom.  The symptoms  of depression sometimes create barriers for our communication  now  I suffer from this regularly where I think I'm bothering everyone   all the time as if no one would be happy to talk to me  and in some rare cases that's probably true because the person doesn't like me or maybe they don't have the time or I'm not exactly within their main social circle but quite often the people I talk to are fine and we connected through our own way and they're happy to talk to me,  that's what you need to remember how you connected to that person.

I wanted to type more but Mickey wouldn't let me .

Take a look at this charity  called off the record it's a mental health charity based in Bristol supporting young people with mental health issues and they also want to change the way we talk about mental health issues.