Sunday, 3 January 2016

Trying New Things

Trying New Things
When you have depression you'll often get told to try doing new things so I've been thinking about  what  I try to do when I'm on  a low.

Video games:
Most of the time I escape into video games old ,new  and ancient it doesn't matter I just jump into the game and my mind is more on killing the other players or capturing/completing an objective. It's not the best way to deal with it if I'm honest  although  it does make me hit a kind of middle ground where  I'm to tired of play video games to care about how low I'm feeling. It kind of works as my background helper    because it's lots of tiny virtual accomplishments and it can be social as well.  I use gaming  to keep in touch with a lot of old friends and make new friends.  It's not the most productive activity  but  if I didn't game and take in stories like  Metal Gear Solid, Shinobi 3, Pokemon , Fallout , FarCry , Skyrim  or even Resident Evil  I wouldn't be here today  worse yet I wouldn't be who I  am today.  

I'm not very good at it  half the time I'm not even sure I'm doing it right but it helps if I need to focus or have an important task to complete.  Sometimes I try and block out noise so I'm  in a loud busy house or place but in my head it's silence. Other times  I've tried  isolating sounds   see how far I can hear  and  that helps to a degree.  I don't meditate often  enough  and I need to do some research because I've only read a few books on Buddhism that  gave me a few things to think about during meditation.

Now this is a long term power push thing I do  and I don't really know what causes me to do this I think it's when everything else  isn't working I jump onto my computer and look for alternative methods to dealing with PTSD or the symptoms. When I get a stuck in a rut I tend to not sleep either very well or at all.  So  I have looked into a few methods to deal with the symptoms  so one symptom I was struggling with in November was really horrific nightmares.  I researched the symptom of nightmares  and one of the problems was the lack of control I had in my nightmares  it's like forcing a five year old to watch horror movies none stop.  After a few Google searches (not exactly real research but I feel it was enough)   and I found out about lucid dreaming  which allowed me to have a lot more control,  so even when I'm have a nightmare I can maintain some degree of control they never end badly now. More recently I was having concentration and sleep issues   after looking through a few Google search pages and two research papers  (actual research)  I found out about a supplement  called Ginko Biloba and it has a lot  of good properties for helping with PTSD  it helps with focus and fatigue. this is Day 7 of  using Ginko and I have to say I'm feeling pretty good, I'm not reliant on tons of sleep or no sleep  and I get a few things done and that's been improving each day.

This is a difficult one because it's similar to research  but instead of learning about  PTSD I practice coding I try to better myself instead of looking for temporary fixes and cures. The blog has been a part of that in the long run  because it's me documenting how I get on with life , Identifying the reasons why I've chosen to keep on living and keep moving forward. In the long term no one want a crap life a lot of you reading this right now will be dealing with crap  right now  may have been dealing with crap for months or years but the truth is you don't have to you just need to find out your objectives  set your goals and achieve them. Even if you fail a few times don't worry you will figure it out  and improving yourself mentally and physically  can only ever be good.

Thursday, 10 December 2015

Write Something

Write Something 
At  the moment  I'm struggling to count the amount of times  I've opened up blogger to write something then just shut it down nothing drafted, I didn't know why I was doing that why I was opening it and why  I wasn't doing anything with it open because at the moment  I'm doing pretty  good  and I want to talk about that today.  The truth is  I haven't achieved complete hapiness   I got tat really good job , lost that really good job , I got that GPU  still got that GPU   and the rest is still in motion   and I'm still having a rought time of it financially but  it's a mixture of good and  bad   and good  or bad it'll lead up to a point where something really good happens.   So if you read some of my last posts  you'll realize this is my mantra now  something  I can truely  live by  because it makes sense to me.  

Even the bad stuff has had some good effects for example I had another nightmare  which  was hard to talk about  and think about but  I'm starting to notice patterns. The nightmares are still pretty bad  still wake me up and make me not want to sleep  till  I'm exhausted enough to just drop off.  The weird thing is  I've found a teather  like a constant thing that will always appear in a really bad drea,  I hadn't noticed it before  it was just having two really bad dreams that made me realize that the Cats I own are  a kind of guide to the nightmare.  Now below there's a picture of Mickey   and I've owned Mickey for a while  and we've always had a special kind of bond  he's not the smartest cat and is quite possibly one of the most clumbsy  cats I've ever known  and when he was younger I was always  helping him out. One time  Mickey fell in the toilet  and  I fished him out gave him a bath   dried him off  he was a kitten at the time , a few months later we realized Mickey was going to be a big cat , at that time we also had a new kitchen packed up ready to be installed some how the entire kitchen fell on Mickey  badly breaking his leg.   We had two options 1 Put  him down or 2 pay £400  for an operation that might work  obviously Mickey  is still with us so  we paid the £400. 
So yeah I had developed a strong bond with this cat  and  I think that largely has something to do with me pulling a kitchen off of him  but after he recovered  I notice he started to change quite a bit. He became disinterested  in everyone else  and would follow me around  the house quite a bit but when things were really bad and when I was really down  he would never leave me alone  always wanting to be in my room and spend time with  me. Sometimes it was like he was even sychronizing his mood  with mine  it's on a ongoing weird experience but  I'm happy because of it.

The other night I had a nightmare  and it was mostly brought on through paranoia  and in the nightmare someone wanted to hurt Mickey to hurt me and I didn't let that happen, in the dream  I got stabbed  and I couldn't feel it   because  I was fighting back  , I was protecting Mickey  and  I wasn't stoping until the dude threatening him wasn't able to carry out those threats. Thats what scares me I broke his arms , I broke his legs and Mickey was safe . I was dying  the other guy was dying and  it freaked me out  and I couldn't sleep  after that.  

I've had time to think about those events  though and  it showed me that  I need take control back from my PTSD, now please  don't interpert  that  as  my  PTSD  make me dangerous  because  it really doesn't I'm harmless   really  but  I would defend myself and anyone else I needed to defend  Mickey  especially.  In that dream  I wasn't thinking I was just going through the motions and hoping I would have the better outcome.  In other dreams  similar things  have happened  I've arrived at a logical conclusion without putting any thought  into the actions. My nightmares are very much  a hypothetical hypervigilance simulation  so  yeah  not great   because it pushes my paranoia to the extremes and you try and make sense of the paranoia and you just can't   because there are very  few simple answers where paranoia  is concerned.  I'm sure to an extent all dreams are caused by underlying emotions  things we feel that we either know we feel or don't know , sometimes even feelings we don't understand  and feelings we understand all too much.

It's hard for me to talk about dreams  because I don't like the person I am in dreams  I don't agree with my actions and a lot of the time it's  showing me what no control looks like. Now I still consider myself a student  of  Musashi  I still learn a lot from the book of five rings and this reminds me a lot of Normal Mind which is something I really do want to learn  but  in the dreams it's not so much  Normal Mind as recklessness with  high pain threshold. I realise that in these dreams  I'm always going to be fighting and  I'm having a battle in my mind   so to win these fights to  win them in the best way possible  I have to retrain my brain to fight better.  Lets face it if you get into a fight and you and your opponant are heavily injured on the floor you didn't win you gave as good as you got. I can never move on from the  book of five rings I still have way too much  to learn  but  I haven't stopped learning other things ,  recently  started  reading  Sun Tzu the art of war, orginally to help with professional gaming which  it does , it helps a great deal  if any of you are playing anything considered professional E-sports CS:GO,  League, DOTA2  or anything else similar  Sun Tzu can teach you a lot. 

So Yeah  all the good all the bad all led up to this point ,there's no short version but I'm not about to let PTSD beat me or define me I'm going to keep getting better and out smart it  in every way  I can.

Thank you for reading

Monday, 30 November 2015

All the good all the bad all led up to this point

All the good  all the bad all led up to this point
I've spent years reading the book of five rings, confusious quotes  and a  bit about buddhism as well, I always found mazing lines of text that would motivate me, make me feel stronger, less sad  and sometimes unbreakable.  I felt  it was amazing that these people wrote these lines hundreds of years ago  and they're helping me today. One Buddhist quote  I remember is that  "life is suffering" and that can be interperted in many different ways  one being end the suffering  end our lives  but thats not the way I would interpert  it  I see it as it is life is suffering  and to live is to endure   and keep moving forward.  

Look back on your life right now  and you will see points where you were low   and points where you were the happiest person  alive, parts where you felt strong parts where you felt weak , the bits where you changed the bits where you stayed the same because no one is who they were last year,  5 years ago or ten years ago we change over time.  This led me to a realization that  all the good things  happened in between all the bad things happening  and when something good happens after a bad thing you have to accept all the bad things that happened.  Why?  Because all the good all the bad all led up to this point  now at the  start of last week  I got a new job  it felt amazing   and friday  I had to quit that job because I couldn't manage the travel or the effect it would have on my mental health. Even though  I'm jobless and me quitting that job is likely to affect my universal credits  in some way I accept it for what it is  and all the good things that happened that week and all the bad lead me to the next point.

Everyone has different things that make them feel strong, for some it's their  self esteem  others their own personal health  for me it's my own words that make me feel strong.  I actually used that a few days ago saying all the good all the bad all led up to this point  and someone read it said  "yeah  I understand how you feel sometimes you just have to admit when you're defeated"  This go me thinking about how it would be interpreted  and you can interpret it in any way you want but when  I say  all the good all the bad all led up to this point it's not because I feel defeated  it's because I'm still living I'm still breathing , I've enjoyed the good  and survived the bad and I'm still here and I'm ready for what comes next. It had nothing to do with feeling defeated  it was everything you feel when you have adrenaline surging through your body. I felt great  and every time you see that quote  I want you to feel great as well   because I know when you're going through something awful there's something amazing around the next corner  don't feel defeated feel ready.   



Sunday, 22 November 2015

I think I just climbed out of the slump

I think I just climbed out of the slump

So recently  life has been quite hectic and I haven't had a lot of time to update this,  I'm going to start by saying that really stressful work I had to do is behind me and it was up to standard  as well.  After that on the Friday I got two  calls about jobs  and went for an interview for one of them yesterday  where I would be working as a fund raiser  I'm pleased to say  if  I  get through the training tomorrow  and Tuesday  I'll be able to start work Wednesday.  Also I'm sleeping better  I sleep at reasonable times  getting up as early as 7 or  8 o'clock now well rested.

So yeah  I'm officially out of the slump and  I won't be earning loads of money  but  I'll be earning enough  to  help out with bills and repairs to the house. I've started recording YouTube videos again with plans for new collaboration  to do my PTSD Play throughs. I'm getting better at editing and my videos are fairly simple right now   but I enjoy making them. That being said I'm doing okay at the moment but I'm still going to be following up with my doctor and actively seeking treatment because yeah  am good today  but I could just fall into another slump tomorrow.

I'm looking into sound proofing my room so my streaming and video making doesn't  bother my family too much.  It'll take time and money  but  I think money won't be as much of an issue when I start work.  I'm still entitled  to be paid by the job centre  so  I will have the money coming in soon  to support me in getting too and from work.  Either way  I'm excited to start this new chapter on good footing if I fall along the way  and end up in a slump  I know I've gotten out of it before   and with what I've written I know  I can get out of them quicker. 

So with this new job I'll be going door to door fund raising for charities, it's commission based but I'll still make £170 a week which is better than the £250 a month the Job centre think is good enough. This has been met with a lot of negativity from friends and from family but it's something better than me staying in bed till 5 pm   and when they started being negative about it it really wore me down.  Then I started to think hang on when I went for this interview  there were lists of fundraisers ans some had been there a really long time  why? If this commission based job was so bad why haven't they left  and why have people stayed long enough to raise money near enough £1,000,000 ? If this job was so bad  why did they stay  and the only answer I can think of is that the job really can't be bad at all.  I mean I understand regardless of what charity  I raise money for I will be knocking on peoples doors and be called worse than shit, I'll be told to fuck off  loads of times but I'll also  get to have a good chat sometimes and raise money for different causes. The people who were being negative and telling me it was a bad idea  have never worked a commission based job before if I'm good at it I'll be paid quite a bit if not I'll be stuck on basic pay until  I get better.

So everyone who reads or follows my blog you can get out of your slump I know you can, you can get back on the horse whether that means getting a job or going to the one you already have.

Sunday, 15 November 2015

Slumps and getting out of them

Slumps and getting out of them
Slumps are kind of difficult to define  in mental  health because the decline can be gradual  or it can  be so fast you don't even notice it's happening. I've had break downs and not even realised I've had break downs  and when  I do realise it's like it been a long time coming. We  all find ourselves in slumps in that bottomless pit with no rope to climb, nothing to grab onto  or sometimes   all of the above without the strength to climb out. I'd like to think that tonight for me is a turning point this is me climbing out   and  all that time  I've been in the pit  it's like I've been building up my strength until  I can climb out.

A lot of us manage this without realising   and for days , weeks months even I've been telling myself I'm going to sleep right, I'm going to get up early  or  that  tomorrow I'll do A, B or C  and sometimes  I'll try  and fail  other times I'll try and succeed. When  I fail people would say I'm lazy  and I would believe  them. Recently I've come to an understanding that if you wake up not wanting to live  go to bed not wanting to wake  up  it's understandable that you  don't want to get up in the morning , do want to interact with people , get on a bus, go anywhere because you struggle with existing in the here and now  you see the futility of existing anywhere else or taking part in life. 

What's the point I used to think , when I got to the lowest low  I've ever felt  the only thing I could think is that there was nothing good left. Nothing good left in life the bond I have with some people might last a life time others  will be lucky to make it through the week  but  we all die eventually  and  when  I think about loosing those close to me  it leaves  this big empty hole in my chest  and as horrible as it feels it's a good thing. Life is Suffering , that's what Buddhism teaches we all suffer and we're all rewarded in our next life  based on how we acted in this life I find that to be a fairer system than the big theme park in the sky other religions believe in. I  turned to Buddhism at a young age  my mother  and me got the brunt of the domestic violence from father  her more than me because she would always protect  me. I was to young to scared sometimes even to protect her and from that  I became protective of other and I got this sense courage from out of no where that  I still have today. What I experienced then may have something to do with the way I am now it made a dent at least , my nan  died that made a dent  , my foundation degree tutor was a bully  victimising me in class that made it's dent  and at that point if I was a car I would have been considered a write off  that's when I can remember my depression really  taking it's hold. 

I was in my first slump  I  didn't want to face the mornings,  I didn't want to do anything  and from that point on my life consisted of escapism  and hiding from the problems until their pressure built up and up and up  till it was too much.  When you're in that spot it feels like you're being attacked from all sides  and you have no way to defend yourself  and  you feel hopeless, you feel lost and you just run from the problems even more. Slumps are the worst part of it all not feeling low, wanting to die or waking up from a terrifying nightmare you never thought your brain capable of conjuring. Nightmares come and go, wanting to die exactly the same,  Low mood comes and goes as well  but slumps last weeks if you're lucky , months if you're in trouble   and years if you desperately need to seek help.  

So  how do you get out of your slump? First you think  what would improve my life, what would I get out of bed in the morning for and what would make me sleep well at  night? Then you plan how  do I get it or how do I achieve it ? right now  I'm going to share with you  my list of things I need judge me for them , laugh at them or cry at them do what you need to do.
  • A better  and New GPU
  • Get a moderately well paid job
  • go back to uni and finish my honours degree (this will be the third attempt )
  • Help fix up  the house 
  • Settle into a decent relationship one that's secure and worthwhile
I'll explain because my priorities may seem a bit weird to you guys

I need a new GPU to get back into streaming to improve the way I do  my  blog not just blog posts but I want to do PTSD play through's and try out some new and interesting things  with YouTube and twitch.

Currently I'm the dead weight in the house and I need to start giving back  because I have a job which is kinda  awful for shifts  and  excellent for location, either way I haven't had a shift since  September and I need money for myself as well.

Of course I need to go back to uni I've ran at uni twice without treatment and failed   but finished half the course  doing so  I think with some treatment  I could definitely manage it and get my honours degree. 

We have lived in a broken down  beat up crappy house for years and it's one of the main reasons my  mother is so depressed because it's just been falling apart year after year and this is the house we escaped to just to get away from my father. I want to get it fixed so it helps her  I can't move out till  I've done that.

This is the last goal on the list  and  that's because it's the most difficult  I've jumped into relationship after relationship on pure impulse and some  were great, some were really stupid  none of them were successful  because I never thought  about  what  I needed instead of what I wanted and what  I really need is someone who understands  my  PTSD.  I need someone who  understands I may be in treatment for the rest of my life  for it.  Not like  they'll understand in an "oh I'll help you get better" kind of way support is great  but  I've had girls before out rightly  say they can fix me and it's well meaning but  not practical. 

If you have read up to his point consider making a  list that could make some significant changes in your life.   Thank you for reading  consider leaving a comment  and tell me what you think .

Saturday, 14 November 2015

Hate and Anger

Hate and Anger

Recent events have pushed me to write this  because of what's happened in Paris and Lebanon the recent attacks  by  ISIS  we soon will have a lot more people suffering from mental illnesses. Today some people can't be with their families because their loved ones are no longer breathing  and that would break me all over again if it was someone  I loved. I can't imagine what the people of Paris are going through but I know what life after a traumatic experience is like  and it's not easy. Hate  is easy  and anger even easier   it's something I struggle with on a day to day basis because it's too easy to hate the people that hurt  me  that put me through the trauma.  What's hard is rising above all that hate and anger  letting it mould my work in a positive way  that can help others. 

I won't stop hating the five individuals who attacked me broad daylight  in a town  where I'd always felt safe, I won't sop hating the guy that tried to mug me on the bus and I definitely won't stop hating the two guys that  attacked me on the bus threatening to slit my throat open because I wouldn't lend them my phone the month after. I'm never going to feel happy thinking about them , I'll never befriend  them and although they  make me feel a strong hatred and anger towards them  I'm not going to spread that either. Since then I'm able to concentrate that anger and hatred into something better  and that's  written work to help others. 

That's why today it's important that we learn what to do with our anger  our hatred towards these acts  and we  direct it towards the  people involved not the ideals they stand for not their religion we direct it towards the people that did it. That's the most important part because this is where even more innocent people start to get hurt. The people that have caused me the most pain in life , the people who caused my trauma weren't Muslims they were people from my own town  no faith to speak of and they are still my mind some of  the most vile disgusting people  on planet. Just like  in Paris  the people who caused all that death and destruction  weren't Muslims they we're deranged  misguided individuals following an ideology that doesn't belong in any faith or religion. 

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Strange Unfortunate Fortunate Circumstances

Strange  Unfortunate  Fortunate  Circumstances 

On this blog I write a lot about my  personal experiences and  that means good and bad however  in the early hours of this morning  something happened and it  made an on going bad experience make sense and turned it into a  really  good experience. I'm hoping that through this post   I can show you that although you're going through hell right now  feeling hopeless and useless  there  may be a reason why that's good. This is very circumstantial in my case but  I don't sleep very well  or very much and when  I do sleep  I sleep too much  I woke up at  5:00PM  today  I have no idea what  time I fell asleep  but I'm usually up till 4:00AM  minimum. This has been going on for months  sometimes to the extent that I've gone entire weeks  without seeing the sunlight. It's not a good thing it means  I'm not able to get a better job right now  because I'm always asleep when the working hours start, and if I'm awake it's because I'm exhausted.

So  around about 4:00AM  I got a text off a friend who has type two bipolar disorder and recently  she's been quiet struggling on her own  and  the text last  night  just confirmed she was in a bad way so I called her up immediately  and we started  talking. She told me  that a lot of things had happened and she felt like she was the problem  but she wasn't   and this girls  is one of the nicest girls I've ever met  she's such a lovely person. She was on a low  and I wanted to talk her around so I tried to make her laugh   and sometimes it worked   sometimes it didn't but I kept talking and  I kept discussing how she felt with her and I had to tell her we all have slip ups,  I've been in a slip  up since June  and I booked  a doctors appointment  this week.  This girls tries really hard with her treatment  she wants to get better  but like all of us she had a slip up  and it made her feel guilty  and the guilt turned into anger, the anger turned into frustration so she texted me.

If I wasn't in my 5 month slip  up of not seeking help  I could have been really well and what scares me the most  I could have been asleep  when she sent that text. So  I'm glad these past five months have been horrible sometimes okay   and sometimes even really good.  It means I can accept all those bad times needed to happen so  I could be awake to receive that text last night  so  I could call her and try my best to make her feel better. I dread to think what would happen if I wasn't awake   because  I know what it's like  to loose a battle with my own thoughts  and there's always battles with your thoughts  I'm always going to have them  and I'll lose some ,  I'll win some but you don't want to lose the war. Right now  I miss her  and I hate  that  am stuck here with no  money I just really wanted to give her a hug last night  and  I couldn't. I can't really describe how amazing she is  and she's always been too nice for her own good  it's upsetting to see  how things have turned out for her because she doesn't deserve what's happening to her right now. I only wish  I could be of more  help  , I'm not a doctor  or a counsellor  but I don't want her to suffer any more  and I don't want her to be alone with that suffering either.

So I'm going to end this post with a Confucius quote, thanks for reading I hope I can make a difference to my friends  life.